I have a cold ……

So as the title says, I have a cold.  In the grand scheme of issues it’s pretty minor but still, it’s miserable.  I’m rarely sick but when I am it tends to linger.  I’m forced to put on a brave face cos I took the piss (Northern Ireland ism for made fun of) my boyfriend for his recent bout of man flu drama.  He’s been on most of the mornings as his shifts have allowed this and believe me, I’m very grateful.  It’s also my first mum cold and I’m trying so hard not to pass it to my baby.  I know he’ll get it eventually but I really don’t want it to be from me!!
Tonight I’m having a beer.  I will probably suffer in the morning but for now it’s cool to feel human or as human as I can feel (but that’s how I rock!) …….  Tomorrow will be powered by a small lie in and much caffine.  I will get through this, not that I’m being dramatic or anything ………  🙂
Peace and Love

Quotes Part 1

“Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.” (Unknown – according to my source!)

I have a bit of a thing for quotes.  I think Facebook may have been the instigator but who knows?

I’ve started with this one because it struck a chord at a time when i needed it.  In my reasonably distant past I enjoyed a smoke of the stuff requiring a roach.  I purchased a random pack in one of my favourite hippy assed shops which just happened to have quotes and this was the first one in the book.  I was in the throes of my very first incidence of my mental quirkiness and it gave me a flash of clarity.  It made me appreciate who I am at a time I needed in most.  It’s been a constant on my social media favourite quotes since that day!!

This insignificant quote has crossed my mind when my best romantic relationship and friendships have been established.  The universe works in mysterious ways and this random instance has shaped my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

Peace and love x

My never ending to do list …….

At this stage it’s getting intimidating when I look at it. It’s like getting too big a portion at a restaurant and you don’t know where to start – in my case I don’t even start. It’s been building for weeks – nah, probably months!!

I will fully admit I’m a kinda lazy procrastinating sorta girl and I wish I wasn’t. When I’m welded to the couch watching the latest drama unfold on Law and Order, NCIS or CSI (yep, I love crime shows and will watch any incarnation of the aforementioned series’), I feel like I’ve earned it!! So I write stuff down on the list of doom, things that would take less than a minute to do but no, I write it on a freaking list. I’ve been putting my earring in for so long the hole’s probably closed up!

When I’m entertaining baby Arlo I have a good excuse but he’s such a chilled wee man that I do have time to do most things when I think of them and probably score off a few of the things that take a bit longer.

A this stage it’s really bugging me so what do I do? So this is my plan – I do the small things when I think of them and tackle one bigger item from ‘the list’ per day. Any more will be a bonus but I’ll be chilled with one. Starting tomorrow of course …….

Peace and love

The Work Issue

It’s been a while!! My lively daytime Arlo is not loving the naps at the minute. I love it because he gets to see the world around him and he’s made so may friends in my coffee shop haunts. I really need to organise my time better – I’ve missed my wee blog posts!

My time off has made me realise one major thing – I don’t want to go back to my previous job when my maternity leave ends. I know I’m swerving into mummy blog territory here but it’s bound to happen the odd time! I work in a bank but I’m not very ‘banky’. I’ve been there 20 years come December so it’s really all I know. I’ve been in a back office centre for the last 14 years and in all honesty, as far as jobs go, it’s not that bad. I’ve always felt bad about working for a massive financial company but bills. Our office is very busy but pretty laid back. It gets too much sometimes though. We’re micro managed to within an inch of our lives – a system which doesn’t meld with the nature of the job but it won’t ever change. The thing is, I could probably keep on dealing with this and maybe drop a day cos they’re pretty good about stuff like that. My main problem is the commute. Even if I drive I need to leave at 7am and I won’t get home until at least 5.30pm. It seems cruel to wake baby Arlo at 6am and see him for an hour max when I get home. And what about his dentists and doctors appointments? I don’t want to miss the first crawl or the first steps!

This is in no way a criticism of the women who do this. I see ladies in work who have more than one child and way more stressful jobs than me absolutely rock it. They’re freaking superwomen! I’m just not very career minded and honestly I don’t think my mental health could withstand the lifestyle. I’m pretty sure my head would explode!

I do still want to work after my maternity – something part time that doesn’t leave me with a slight underlying feeling of dread before I go in. I had a look at some positions in the area last night and, although I still have a good few months on maternity I have a goof feeling about getting something when the time’s right. The only thing is, I have no idea what I’d like to do and never have but it’ll fall into place.

Now all I need is a redundancy from my existing job to get the mortgage out of my hair! I didn’t take up the last offer but what’s done is done so there’s no point dwelling on it. These things come up on a regular basis so I’m putting my faith in the universe to provide. I also have everyone I know either crossing their fingers or praying, wherever their beliefs lie ….. 🙂

Peace and love

Less judgement, more random hugs!!

I posted this one on facebook yesterday and figured I’d like to post it on here too.  Just to add a little bit of background to the story, the dad told me that they had to pay for IVF for their older son as his wife was 42 and they didn’t qualify for NHS treatment and there was only a 10% chance of success although number 2 came easily.  This is something very close to my heart as I’ve just had my first child at 40 and was at risk of a baby with chromosomal issues – thankfully Arlo was born completely healthly but we refused the tests.  This family are an inspiration 🙂

So I lost my mum in the shopping centre today and was sitting on one of the bench things in the middle. A man sat down beside me with his 2 boys. One of the boys, both of whom had downs syndrome, came over and gave me a massive hug then an even bigger one – made my day!! . Me and their dad got chatting and he told me their story. This world needs less judgement and more random hugs ✌️

I love my mental quirks ….

One of the reasons I started this blog was to give myself an outlet. I really enjoy writing – it makes me feel better and gives me buzz. I’ve several notebooks of slightly dark poetry hanging about my house somewhere. If I ever find them I’ll probably post a few at some stage.

I’ve suffered from depression for 16 years and first received treatment 15 years ago because I’m stubborn. I’ve been on and off medication for 15 years (anti-depressants) during this time. I’m now on my longest run of about 5 years. My doctors surgery seem to have a policy of removing medication once things seem to be ok and although I’m doing great at the minute and have figured out established coping mechanisms, I know I never want to be anti-d free again.

One of my lowest points was my ‘time of no sleep’ as I like to call it. Over the course of 4 years I was getting a maximum of 2 hours sleep unless I added alcohol into the mix. Thankfully I realised that this couldn’t be a long term option and didn’t allow myself to go down myself to go down that route. During this spell I visited my doctor on several occasions, She thought I was l lying and shouted at me a few times. I eventually persuaded her to send me to CBT. An appointment came through for a counselling session at the local mental health centre but half way through he dismissed CBT and said I needed permanent medication. He agreed I didn’t have an ‘off switch’ and was in danger of becoming very ill (I do have a very hyper personality). I can barely pass myself with that doctor now ……

I love my mental quirks and have no wish to have them medicated out of me! I’m happy just to take enough to get some sleep and stop the blues from getting too dark. Yeah, I’m a bit weird but my friends appreciate that part of me. If people don’t like me – not my problem! My wee quirks allow me to keep my inner child alive, I get excited about the small things like meeting a friend for lunch, grabbing a coffee at my favourite joint or going to my local for a few and chatting with my fellow regulars. And yep, I spout the most random stuff at the oddest times and nobody knows what I’m talking about but it makes my mates smile.

Ya know what, I wouldn’t have me any other way!

Peace and love.

I still wanna work in a record shop ……

My dream early teenage job was to work in a record shop and still is I suppose. To be fair when this became my aim it was just at the end of the vinyl era (but way before the vinyl revival!) just as cassette tapes were becoming all the rage but soon to be replaced by CDs as the last mass marketed form of physical music. I still say record shop though ……

I always figured it wouldn’t really seem like a job. I’d be spending my day listening to music I love and getting to hear music I’d never heard before. All us staff members would spend our days chatting about music we like and the work nights out would be live music heaven. Customers would come in and I could subtly point them in the right direction in, in my opinion, they had dodgy music taste. So maybe I love High Fidelity and Empire Records a bit too much but even before these 2 classics I still imagined it would be like that.

Unfortunately this seems very unlikely in today’s times. My town has no specific shops for to bay music in and neither has our closest shopping centre. The only choices are a couple of large supermarket chains who sell top 40 CDs. When the local independent sores were still around I resented large music retailers like HMV and Virgin. Before too long these were the only stores left and I was pretty devastated when my local HMV store closed and left me with no music retailers less than 25 miles away. I briefly found a semi-independant I loved (again, 25 miles away) but over the years and several premises moves it’s now managed to completely lose it’s charm.

I know in this internet age everything music wise can be bought online or downloaded instantly to your PC. This and streaming are definitely the preferred methods today but the physical copy always wins in my case. For me , nothing beats spending a stray hour ambling around a shop full of music. Maybe making a mental purchase list and, best of all, spotting something random that catches your eye, buying on a whim and finding a gem!

Peace and love.