One of the reasons I started this blog was to give myself an outlet. I really enjoy writing – it makes me feel better and gives me buzz. I’ve several notebooks of slightly dark poetry hanging about my house somewhere. If I ever find them I’ll probably post a few at some stage.
I’ve suffered from depression for 16 years and first received treatment 15 years ago because I’m stubborn. I’ve been on and off medication for 15 years (anti-depressants) during this time. I’m now on my longest run of about 5 years. My doctors surgery seem to have a policy of removing medication once things seem to be ok and although I’m doing great at the minute and have figured out established coping mechanisms, I know I never want to be anti-d free again.
One of my lowest points was my ‘time of no sleep’ as I like to call it. Over the course of 4 years I was getting a maximum of 2 hours sleep unless I added alcohol into the mix. Thankfully I realised that this couldn’t be a long term option and didn’t allow myself to go down myself to go down that route. During this spell I visited my doctor on several occasions, She thought I was l lying and shouted at me a few times. I eventually persuaded her to send me to CBT. An appointment came through for a counselling session at the local mental health centre but half way through he dismissed CBT and said I needed permanent medication. He agreed I didn’t have an ‘off switch’ and was in danger of becoming very ill (I do have a very hyper personality). I can barely pass myself with that doctor now ……
I love my mental quirks and have no wish to have them medicated out of me! I’m happy just to take enough to get some sleep and stop the blues from getting too dark. Yeah, I’m a bit weird but my friends appreciate that part of me. If people don’t like me – not my problem! My wee quirks allow me to keep my inner child alive, I get excited about the small things like meeting a friend for lunch, grabbing a coffee at my favourite joint or going to my local for a few and chatting with my fellow regulars. And yep, I spout the most random stuff at the oddest times and nobody knows what I’m talking about but it makes my mates smile.
Ya know what, I wouldn’t have me any other way!
Peace and love.